Our last drop in day for 2020 is Thursday December 17th (10.30am to 5.30pm). We will have limited office hours for the rest of the year. Our first drop in for 2021 is Wednesday January 13th, and after that we’re back to normal – office hours 10am to 6pm weekdays, with drop in times 10.30am to 5.30pm every Wednesday and Thursday.
Aunty Dana’s Op Shop
Aunty Dana’s Op Shop will be closed on December 24th and 25th, then again on December 31st and January 1st. Otherwise normal hours 10am – 6pm weekdays and Saturdays, 10am to 2pm Sundays. Aunty Dana’s is accepting donations of good quality homewares and nic-nacs but no clothing at the moment.
This resource explains some core concepts for making sure you have consent in sexual situations, as well as practical steps and examples. It is designed for transgender adults, and may not be suitable for younger viewers
You can scroll down to read the original web page version, or use the second edition PDF.
Consent means agreeing to something without feeling like you have to agree to it. At a glance, consenting to sex can be simple – someone asks you if you want to have sex and you say yes or no. But there are many factors which can make a person feel pressured to say yes. When a person says yes because they are pressured into it directly, this is sometimes called ‘coercion’. Coercion can be very direct and easy to see, or it could be more subtle. It may include forcing them, sulking, passive aggressive pressure, or saying ‘if you loved me you would…’.
Consent should never be coerced on purpose, and we also have a responsibility to try to make sure we don’t coerce consent by accident as well. We call this ‘good consent practises’.
Making sure you have good consent practices can be a lot of work, but it can also be a lot of fun.
There is a metaphor called the ‘Consent Castle’, where we liken starting a new relationship to building a castle. It goes like this:
When you meet someone you like, you might decide to build a castle together. In the beginning, you will need to talk a lot about what you both want from a castle, and make sure you’re on the same page. You might write some things down, draw some diagrams, share your ideas.
Next, when you start to build your castle, you will probably need to be extra careful – you might wear hard hats, steel toed boots, and check in with each other frequently. As time goes on and the castle takes shape, you will be able to relax and enjoy it more without having to talk about every step, and one day when the castle is finished, it will become a comfortable and familiar place where you can have fun together. Castles are always a work in progress – you might need to do some maintenance now and then, and if you want to change something or add another room you’ll probably need to put on your hard hats and overalls and plan it out carefully, but by planning and talking and working it out together in the beginning, you will have build a strong foundation for a mutually satisfying castle.
Before they first have sex with a new partner, some people like to have conversations about sex in a relaxed situation when sex isn’t about to happen immediately. If the conversation is not focused on ‘if/when we have sex’ but instead is about ‘when people have sex’, this can make it easier to bring up broader social pressures and other issues, likes and dislikes, emotions, expectations, and any other issues. This can give everyone involved an opportunity to talk about how they feel, and what they want from sex or a relationship, and from each other.
During sexual encounters, it’s important to check in – or ask how the other person is feeling or if they want to do a certain activity, or whether what you are doing feels good. The answer may be that they want you to do something a little differently, or that they want to try something else, or that they feel amazing. Communicating during sex can be fun and sexy, and it means that you will always know if your partner likes something or not.
Likewise, talking about it afterward can be really useful. Sometimes we did like something at the time, but later we realise it also gave us a cramp! Or made us feel insecure about part of our body. Or we think of something else that might be good to try next time. Talking about sex can be empowering, and it gives us lots of opportunities to make choices.
What about hookups and one night stands?
Practicing good consent is also possible for casual hookups. While you may not want to have long conversations with someone you’ve just met, getting into the habit of discussing sex before you start having it can mean that you both have better experiences.
For example, Andy tells Shay he sometimes feels like the gay dating scene expects everyone to do oral sex without condoms, and that’s hard for him as a trans man, because he wants to fit in but he also wants to protect his sexual health. Later when they’re hooking up, Shay has the opportunity to let Andy know it’s fine to use condoms, which makes Andy feel much more relaxed and valued as a person, and then he can make more of a free choice about whether to use a condom or not. Understanding each other more and being more relaxed also makes the whole experience more fun for both people.
Tip: asking for consent while physically initiating a sexual action can make the other person feel pressured into accepting. Get consent before you act.
Find out more
You can explore our other sex and relationships resources, or take our free on-demand e-learning course The Transgender Guide to Sex and Relationships, by clicking the buttons below.
Any one of these parts on their own can be transphobia.
Stereotypes
Stereotypes are widely held ideas about a certain group of people, which are oversimplified generalisations.
Prejudice
Prejudices are unjustified preconceived opinions, attitudes, thoughts, and feelings about a person, which often come from believing in stereotypes about the group they belong to.
Prejudice function in 3 main ways:
– Maintaining an exploitation/domination relationship (keeping people down). – Enforcing social norms (keeping people in). – ‘Disease avoidance’ (keeping people away).
Discrimination
Discrimination is the actions (including failure to act) based on prejudice.
This can include interpersonal discrimination in one’s private life, e.g. social exclusion, bullying and harassment, physical and sexual violence.
It can also include discrimination in public areas of life, e.g. exclusion from human rights protections, exclusion from other legal rights, exclusion from or discrimination in housing, healthcare, the justice system, accessing goods and services, recreation and sport, education, employment, etc.
Examples include: requiring medical interventions in order to gain an accurate birth certificate, landlords refusing to rent to trans tenants, inadequate access to appropriate healthcare services, schools or employers not taking action to keep students or employees safe.
67% of trans people report experiencing high levels of discrimination in NZ, 44% experienced this in the past 12 months (vs 17% of the general population).
Item.
Function.
Connection.
Example.
Stereotype.
Cognitive; thoughts about people.
Overgeneralised beliefs about people may lead to prejudice.
”Being trans is a sexual fetish”, ”They are dangerous”.
Prejudice.
Affective; feelings about people, both positive and negative.
Feelings may influence treatment of others, leading to discrimination.
”I am genuinely afraid of sexual violence from trans women”.
Discrimination.
Behavior; positive or negative treatment of others.
Holding stereotypes and harboring prejudice may lead to excluding, avoiding, and biased treatment of group members.
”I want to stop trans women from using women’s bathrooms” ”Trans people should be sterilized to change their birth certificate”.
Effects
It is very common for trans people to be stereotyped in a variety of ways, and to experience stigma and discrimination across all areas of life. The impact of widespread transphobia is the key factor in the disparities faced by transgender people.
These disparities include: being bullied in school (21% vs 5% general population), being forced to have sex against their will (32%, vs 11% of women in the general population*), poverty (trans people’s median income is half the median income of the general population), going without fresh fruit and vegetables (51%) and putting up with feeling cold (64%) – 3 times the rate of the general population, being asked invasive questions during a medical visit (13% in the last year), reparative [conversion] therapy (17%), avoiding healthcare visits to avoid being disrespected (36%), high levels of psychological distress (71%, vs 8% general population), suicidal ideation (56% in the last year), suicide attempts (37%).
Gender Minorities Aotearoa undertook research in the Wellington region in late 2019, in order to gain understandings of the circumstances surrounding homelessness for transgender people; their experiences of it, the support services required to address it, and the housing aspirations of those experiencing it. This report details the findings of the research in which 43 participants contributed.
These participants are mostly European/Pākehā young adults and gender diverse. A large proportion of them have had relatively stable home environments as children, yet many of them have experienced situations of homelessness from an early age. All of the participants disclose that they have at least one health condition, with the three most prevalent conditions being: mental health condition, neuro-diversity, and disability. For most, employment opportunities and incomes are limited.
The participants tend to move housing within the same region; moving across regions seems to be less frequent. However, most of the participants change sleeping arrangements frequently, from every few weeks to every few months. This is due to a number of concurrent and compounding factors such as poor quality housing, temporary availability, unaffordability, and eviction. All of the participants have been able to sleep in safe and relatively long-term housing at some point over the past five years, however, about two-thirds of them have also experienced unsafe, temporary, or exposed forms of housing.
When describing safe, stable and long-term housing, the participants mention affordability and good quality housing as key criteria, as well as positive relationships with flatmates; in particular, flatmates who are not transphobic or sex worker phobic. The characteristics of the neighborhood are also important to consider (e.g. close to public transport and services). Finding appropriate housing is impacted by experiences of stigma and interpersonal prejudice, structural and systemic discrimination, potential changes to whānau composition, and limited financial capacity; necessitating moving frequently to try to improve one’s situation. To help in their search for suitable housing, the participants rely on their close networks such as friends and family, and the use of technology including social media and apps. Many also contact professional organisations or support services. A range of other strategies are used, including the provision of semi-commercial sexual services.
A number of recommendations are provided to help address some of the disparities highlighted in this research. They include an emphasis on prevention and better access to the welfare system, as well as the delivery of timely and integrated support services when people experience homelessness. Safety is a critical factor and needs to be reflected in the provision of temporary/emergency housing, as well as long-term housing (e.g. council and public housing aimed at trans and non-binary people). These need to be complemented by other actions to address disparities and assist people to sustain their housing. For example: reducing discrimination across education and employment in order to be able to afford rent; better access to appropriate healthcare services to enable trans people retain employment; and education campaigns to reduce stigma and discrimination.
GMA is part of the Sex and Gender Diverse Health Outcomes Working Group (SGDWG) – alongside a number of DHB healthcare providers and clinicians, as well as trans and intersex people working in this area.
The SGDWG works across Capital and Coast District Health Board (Wellington and Kapiti region) to develop appropriate, well-resourced, and equitable gender affirming healthcare.
The SGDWG is holding it’s second annual community event, with a panel discussion/panel presentations explaining what services are now available and how you can access them, as well as plans for the near future.
There will also be an opportunity to ask questions and give feedback.
This will be held on on Tuesday 10th of November at 5.30pm, at the the Newtown Community and Cultural Centre on the corner of Colombo and Rintoul Streets in Newtown.
The Newtown Community and Cultural Centre is mobility accessible, and there will be kai and drinks provided.
