The transgender guide to sex and relationships is a free online course designed to provide interesting, fun, insightful, and practical information for transgender adults.
It aims to assist you in exploring ideas around your body and sense of self, what you like and don’t like, your needs and limits, communication, sex, and relationships.
The course takes approximately 12 hours to complete, and is broken into 6 Chapters. You can stop at any time and continue later by logging in again.
In this chapter, you’ll explore the idea of sexual well-being, learn some interesting history, delve into some of the ways that power can affect relationships, and look at some positive – and negative – ideas about trans people and sex. You’ll also reflect on some of your own ideas about partners.
Chapter 2. Self
You will explore genital development, and language used for genitals, along with some of the ways which transgender and intersex people feel about their bodies, and some common myths and facts. Then, you’ll take a deep dive into your own sexual preferences.
Chapter 3. Communication
In this chapter, you’ll explore having conversations about consent in sexual situations, how to recognise, discuss, and manage trauma memories (or triggers), and you’ll learn a variety of tools and techniques for communication.
Chapter 4. Relationships
In this chapter, you’ll investigate different types of relationships, and discover ways to identify and express your needs and boundaries in a relationship. You’ll look at ways to determine who should get to make which decisions in a relationship, and looking at problems in relationships and how to solve them together. You’ll also look at some safety strategies.
Chapter 5. Safer sex
In this chapter, you’ll master the use of barrier methods for safer sex, gain insight into living with HIV, establish the steps to get STI testing, review ways to identify and manage risks in a wide variety of sexual situations, and learn about steps you can take if you are sexually assaulted. You’ll also learn how to help prevent sexual violence in your community.
Chapter 6. Better sex
You will gain an improved understanding of sex toys and pornography, explore flirting and initiating sexual contact, take in strategies for identifying, experiencing, and working out your emotions, gain skills for enhancing your sexual experiences, practice giving and receiving touch in non-sexual situations, and gain improved confidence in giving and receiving touch in sexual situations.
The transgender guide to sex and relationships is designed by and for transgender adults, including binary, non-binary, and intersex trans adults.
It contains sexual themes, and discusses sensitive topics such as sexual violence and trauma.
You must be aged 18 years or older to take this course.
Consensus decision making is a method of discussing issues and making decisions together.
This resource is designed to assist with communication, community discussions, community organising, and organising events or activities collectively. It can be useful in both formal and informal groups; including families, friends, and relationships.
In November 2022, we will be launching a free online course on relationships and sex for transgender adults.
Whats in the course
The course will cover foundational knowledge, our relationships with ourselves and our bodies, communication, relationships, safer sex, and better sex.
It has around 12 hours of content, including videos, workbooks, and articles. It includes collaborations with Intersex Aotearoa, Adult Toy Megastore, NZPC Aotearoa – New Zealand sex workers’ collective, Dr Jen Hayward, and Burnett Foundation Aotearoa.
The course is generously funded by Te Puna Aonui – diverse community initiatives fund for sexual violence prevention.
Keep up to date
If you would like to receive updates on the course, you can follow our blog using the ‘subscribe’ box in the main menu. You can also see our online courses by clicking the button below.
Today we’re sharing with you a draft of one of our videos – Solving Relationship Issues. [draft video removed – final here].
Voice actors
The voice files in this video are temporary – we’re looking for transgender voice actors in Aotearoa.
All of our scripts are single voice and non-sync. We’re looking for one voice actor per character, with a total of 30 characters of varying ages and genders, and scrips ranging from 29 words to around 1,000 words. The average file length is 50 words.
We’re looking for a professional job with a quick turn around. Scripts will be sent to our voice actors on September 26th, and we will need the completed files in WAV or MP3 format by October 3rd (1 week).
If you’re interested in applying, please send us your portfolio and prices by September 22nd, 2022 to [email removed as this project is now completed].
The resource explains what trauma triggers are, how someone might be affected by one, and how you can explore discussing this with partners. It is designed for transgender adults, and may not be suitable for younger viewers
You can scroll down to read the first edition (webpage, 2021), or download the second edition PDF (2022), which was developed for our online course The transgender guide to sex and relationships.
If a person has experienced trauma in the past, such as being the victim/survivor of sexual violence, they may have very strong emotions such as anger or fear which are associated with an element present when the initial trauma happened. This element – or trigger – can be anything from a smell to a certain word or phrase, it could be a particular sexual activity or position, or any number of other elements. After the initial trauma – it could be days, weeks, or years later – when the person experiences the trigger, they may emotionally or psychologically re-live the trauma of the initial incident. We call this ‘being triggered’.
It is not always possible to avoid being triggered, for example if the smell of beer was present when the initial traumatic incident occurred, then in the future the smell of beer might make the person have a ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response. Whether the current situation is safe or not, the person who has been ‘triggered’ might experience an elevated heart rate and physical symptoms of fear, anger, humiliation, sadness, or a number of other things. This may also mean that their reaction to another person drinking a beer is to feel distrustful, or angry, and they may not know why.
Discussing triggers
Some people find it very helpful to work out, over time, the things that trigger past trauma for them. It can be a long process of recognising when they feel disproportionately upset, and working out why that might be. Not everything that upsets someone is a trigger – we can be upset for many reasons, including being upset because the thing which is happening right now is harming us. Or because we just don’t like something. It can be helpful to separate things out and reflect on what feelings we were having when we were upset, and whether there is a current problem happening and we are being harmed, or if we were triggered.
Although the trauma we have experienced might not be our fault (and in the case of sexual violence is never the victim’s fault), it is still our responsibility to manage our triggers and behaviours. Some people find it useful to discuss triggers with partners or potential partners. It can also be useful to talk about how a person might guess that you are being triggered when it happens, what they might say to you in that situation, or how you might communicate with them.
Example
Sarah has trauma that involves sexual violence. She doesn’t like to have sex in certain positions, or when she’s very tired, or after an argument.
Sometimes she doesn’t realise how tired she is, or something else can trigger her. When she’s triggered, she feels humiliated and worthless, and her response is to ‘freeze’, which for her means she thinks about other things, and tries to ‘just get through’ the sex that is happening right now. She struggles to let partners know she wants to stop having sex. Usually during sex she makes a lot of eye contact and talks or makes sounds. When she is triggered, she avoids eye contact and usually goes quiet and sometimes cries.
She tells this to her partners, so that if she behaves in those ways, they know to stop and check in. She tells them that when they think she’s triggered, she doesn’t want to be asked ‘are you ok?’ because it’s hard to say ‘no’ when she feels like that. She wants her partners to ask ‘do you want to stop?’, because saying yes is easier. If she does want to stop, a good next question is ‘shall I make you some tea?’, because it gives her the chance to have space alone for a few minutes. After that, she sometimes feels fine. Other times, she wants to do something that isn’t sexual, like watch a film and cuddle.
She also lets them know that her being triggered doesn’t mean they are doing something wrong.
You can explore our other sex and relationships resources, or take our free on-demand e-learning course The Transgender Guide to Sex and Relationships, by clicking the buttons below.
One of the most important things in a relationship is having your own autonomy – or getting to make decisions for yourself. If both or all partners get to be in charge of their own lives, then you have a great foundation for making room for each other and growing together. When one person controls another person, it’s easy for the relationship to become abusive. In a healthy relationship each partner should have control over themself.
Some of the decisions you should be free to make include decisions about
Sleeping and eating – what, where, when, and how much.
Medications, hormones, surgical decisions, self care, and time alone.
Declining to be a partner’s sole source of support, or having boundaries to the support you can personally provide.
Where to go and who to spend time with.
Social reputation, which information is shared with whom.
Ability to say no: to sexual activities and physical intimacy, alcohol and other drug use, unsafe situations like drinking and driving or transphobic social situations.
Diary, journal, passwords.
Important documents eg. tenancy, immigration, work, school, WINZ, identification, passport.
Private communication and support networks, such as social media, email, phone, personal messages.
Personal expression: clothing, hairstyle, language and mannerisms.
Income: how it’s made, how it’s used, and who can access it.
Culture, cultural knowledge, values, language, history, beliefs, spiritual or religious practice.
If you are controlling your partner
If you are controlling your partners decisions, there are steps you can take to relinquish control over them and let them make their own decisions. The same is true for anyone who is controlling your decisions.
For the person in control, the first steps are often the hardest: recognising that controlling a partner is a problem, accepting that they have been participating in an unhealthy dynamic, and taking personal responsibility for making changes.
Anxieties, fears, insecurities, and beliefs or values can all play roles in how comfortable we are accepting that others can change, and allowing them the freedom to do so. Some people find it helpful to talk with a counselor or another adult they trust, or look for resources about healthy relationships.
You can explore our other sex and relationships resources, or take our free on-demand e-learning course The Transgender Guide to Sex and Relationships, by clicking the buttons below.
