Sometimes our relationships have dynamics which are unhealthy, harmful, or even abusive. This article talks about signs that something may not be working, identifying unhealthy dynamics in a relationship, and dealing with common scenarios for trans people.
It touches on working through some issues, or leaving a relationship which may be difficult or dangerous to leave. There are also links to some of our other resources to help you talk through problems and change behaviors, and resources to help you safely leave a dangerous situation.
Pulling your hair, grabbing, pushing, restraining, kicking, pinching, choking, or hurting you in any way.
Shouting at you, calling you names, breaking things, making you feel afraid for your safety.
Preventing you from leaving – for example blocking the doorway, taking your keys.
Psychological, emotional, and spiritual safety
Treating you differently because they are upset, but refusing to tell you why.
Overwriting your emotions or perceptions: convincing you that you feel the way they want you to feel, or that you want what they want, or that you agree with their version of events.
Saying cryptic things to keep you guessing what they mean and feeling uncertain.
Insisting that you trust them completely regardless of whether they have earned that trust or repeatedly broken your trust.
Refusing to let you talk about your emotions when you need to.
Insisting that you must always talk about your emotions when they want you to.
Taking their moods out on you – it is OK to have big emotions but we can choose how we express them.
Blaming you for all the problems in the relationship.
Telling you not to speak to anyone about your relationship, or becoming angry when you do.
Telling you that you’re hard to love, bad at life, or not a valuable person.
Invalidating your lived experience, including denying gender based discrimination against you, systems which disadvantage you, and social dynamics which harm you.
Undermining or disrespecting your culture, refusing to acknowledge important cultural practices, laughing at your religion, culture, or language, saying their culture is more normal or better than yours. Making you feel ashamed or bad about your culture, or removing your access to your culture and your people.
Attempting to be sexual with you when you are angry at them, trying to avoid talking about your feelings by distracting you with sex, or minimising your anger by saying they feel sexual towards you when you’re angry.
Attempting to be sexual with you when you’re sad, upset, or triggered (experiencing associations or flashbacks to traumatic events).
Forcing or pressuring you to be sexual in any way, hurting, humiliating, or otherwise harming you during sex (without your consent).
Saying that you look “too sexy”, or getting angry at you when other people look at you.
Telling you the clothes/hair/makeup you choose look bad and pressuring you to look a certain way.
Using your insecurities about your body or gender presentation to make you feel less confident and more reliant on them.
Excessive demands to tell them where you are, what you’re doing, or how you’re feeling.
Telling you to stay away from your friends or getting upset when you spend time with your friends or family.
Making you stay up all night when you need sleep – whether it’s to talk, to have sex, to party, or for any reason.
Criticizing or controlling your food and eating habits.
Taking photographs or film footage of you against your wishes, or using your image in ways you didn’t agree to – for example posting your nude photographs on social media.
Making you responsible for them
Insisting that it’s you who takes care of them whenever they need support.
Accusing you of abandoning them whenever you leave them alone.
Saying they will hurt themself because of you or if you don’t do what they want.
Blaming you for their bad behavior – ”look at what you made me do” and ”I wouldn’t have had to do X if you hadn’t done Y’‘.
Controlling, disrespecting, or harming a partner are signs of unhealthy relationship dynamics. You can find resources to help make a relationship healthier here.
My partner wants to keep our relationship a secret
Many cisgender people who have attractions to transgender people are in denial about their attractions. They may be upset with their partner or with themself for their attraction. They may not want people to know about their attraction or their relationship.
It is important to remember that there is nothing shameful about love, that we are normal people, and that we deserve the same care and attention as any other partner.
If your partner respects you as a person, they should be willing to stand up against transmisogyny, transphobia, and other prejudices, and to support you 100%.
Accepting you and loving you will mean that they also have to work on themself – if they have any shame about dating you they will need to work through it and understand that there is nothing wrong with loving you, and nothing to be ashamed about. That way they can stand up against others who put them or you down.
If I have genital surgery my partner will leave – they’re just not into vaginas/penises
While some people have strong feelings about the genitals of their partners, this type of thinking reduces our attractions to being exclusively about genitals.
If your partner loves you for more than just your genitals, they should support you to decide what is best for yourself, even if it will take some getting used to for them. No one will be more affected by the decision to have or not have surgeries than you will.
Your partner should listen to you when you need to talk about the possibilities and not try to influence your decision either way. They should respect that it is your body and your choice, and should not pressure you or threaten to leave you if you’re thinking about changing your genitals.
My partner doesn’t like me talking about problems in our relationship to other people
If someone is being controlling in a relationship, it’s common for them to tell their partner not to talk with anyone else about problems in the relationship.
Often they are afraid that others will disapprove of their behaviors, or advise you to leave the relationship. They might say your friends will be judgemental, or interfering, or they might say it’s their own personal business and it would be disrespectful for you to talk with anyone else about it.
Talking is so important; it can help you work out what you need, and what you want to do next.
If your partner cares about you, they should be happy for you to talk about relationship problems, and work out how to fix or change the things that make you unhappy. Talking doesn’t mean that you have to leave the relationship.
There are some people who have a legal obligation to share certain kinds of information if they think a person is in danger – these people may include a counselor or teacher, so ask if this is the case and find out what kinds of things they would be required to share. It is always OK to say ‘I’m not ready to talk about that with you yet’.
My partner gets really upset and then we have to talk for hours until they’re happy with the outcome. I end up going along with them just to end the fight
Talking can be important and healthy, but if you are cornered in a room and you can’t leave that’s not OK. If you’re being kept up all night when you need to sleep that’s not OK. If your partner forces you to talk when you can’t that’s not OK.
In some situations it can help to say that you care but you can’t talk right now. Give a concrete time when you will sit down and talk with them and an amount of time you can agree on for the conversation.
“Jay, I love you and I totally care about this, but right now I need to sleep. We can give this proper attention tomorrow. I will come over after work at 5pm and we’ll sit down and talk about it until 7pm.’’
Sometimes it may help to show that you intend to still be in their life at the end of the conversation too, even if the issue can’t be sorted immediately.
‘’After we talk maybe we can have dinner together if we feel like it? Then I’m going to have to leave about 8pm so I can get things ready for work the next day, and sleep at my place. We can make another time for more talks too if we don’t work it all out tomorrow’’
If your partner is preventing you from leaving, you may be able to say you need to use the bathroom, and then call a friend or the police from your mobile phone. You may have to pretend to agree to your partner’s demands so you can leave and get to somewhere safe before you seek support.
I’m afraid my partner will hurt me when they find out I’m leaving
It is very common that abusive behaviors will intensify and escalate as you prepare to leave a relationship and your partner has less control over you. Leaving is the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship.
Physical and sexual violence, kidnapping children, destruction of important documents, property damage, and counter claims of abuse are common at this point. These fears are very real.
We recommend that you build your support systems, make safety plans, and potentially seek legal protections, as discussed below.
Counter claims: I’m a trans woman, and I’m afraid that my cis woman or transmasculine partner might cut off my support by saying I abused her/them
When you start to speak out against abuse by your partner, it is common for your partner to make a counter accusation that the abuse happened the other way around.
Counter accusations are often an attempt to influence mutual friends, to limit the support being offered to you, and to allow the accused partner to maintain control over your life in some way, even after the relationship has ended.
Sometimes, if your partner has experienced abuse in the past, this can also be a way of maintaining their identity as a victim or survivor of abuse, as some people believe that a person who has been a victim or survivor of abuse is not capable of abusing others.
Because of transmisogyny, trans women are often in a double bind – being treated with misogyny as women, but also being considered to embody the worst of male violence. If they are counter accused of abuse they can be in an extremely difficult situation with very little support, particularly if the person counter-accusing them is a cisgender woman or a transmasculine person (who was assigned “female” at birth).
Patriarchal societies support men who counter accuse any woman (“she’s crazy /a control freak”). Some women’s support groups and agencies discriminate against trans women, or hold transmisogynist views which may privilege support for those assigned “female” at birth (“she’s *really* a man/male brain/socialised male”, “penis = patriarchy/rape”, or other transmisogynist arguments that frame trans women as being men).
Many friendship, school, and social groups, as well as rainbow, queer, and feminist communities, are all too ready to believe that trans women are secretly violent predators, despite evidence to the contrary.
Keep a record – gather any evidence of your partner abusing you, and have a support crew who can help you through this. See the section below on preparing to leave.
I don’t think I can find someone better who will love me
Society is full of negative messages about trans people, and at times it can be very difficult not to believe these about ourselves in some way.
The truth is, each of us is unique, and beautiful, and lovable. We all deserve healthy relationships with people who respect us. Sometimes it takes a long time, and many relationships which don’t work out, before we figure out how to have healthy relationships – even with ourselves.
Consider the advice you would give to a friend – you don’t deserve abuse, you deserve respect, kindness, and love. You are awesome, and along life’s journeys you will meet people who recognise that too.
My partner is heterosexual, gay, or a lesbian, they won’t be attracted to me if I start to transition
For people who identify as exclusively attracted to one gender, sometimes it can be especially difficult to accept that their partner is a different gender than they first thought.
This can be especially challenging if your partner’s gender and sexual orientation are one identity (for example ‘lesbian’ implies their gender as a woman as well as their attraction toward women).
It can be important that they realise that your gender hasn’t suddenly changed – even if you have recently come out about your true gender, chances are you have felt that way for a long time. Transitioning doesn’t mean they suddenly love someone of a different gender – you may have been trans the whole time, even if you didn’t always know it or you weren’t always talking about it.
If they are worried, it may help for them to talk with other partners of trans people, or to read things written by the partners of trans people as well as by trans people themselves.
It is not OK for your partner to: a) accuse you of tricking them into sleeping with someone of the ‘wrong’ gender for them. b) take, hide, or dispose of your hormones, makeup, binder, or other transition aides. c) undermine your decision to transition.
Sometimes, especially in the case of medical transition, we do change in ways that are incompatible with existing relationships. Changing hormones can change the way we smell, how sensitive our skin is, how interested we are in being sexual, we may feel different, the ways that we like to be intimate may change, we may start to want different things in our lives.
It is not abusive to admit that one is no longer sexually attracted to their partner, but it is important that you can both talk about your feelings respectfully and in caring and constructive ways.
Society stigmatises me and stereotypes me as ‘probably not a suitable parent’. If I leave my partner, I’m afraid I’ll lose my children.
Many transgender parents hold deep fears that their children will be taken from them by the courts. This is especially so for trans folks who are poor, those on social welfare, Māori, Pasefika, and other people of colour, migrants, refugees, people who use drugs, people living with HIV, disabled people, people who are living in substandard housing, sex workers, people who are neurodiverse or who have mental health or developmental conditions, and people who have a criminal record or a history with the justice system.
Generally speaking, the courts prefer to leave children with their parent rather than placing them in state care, so long as the children are in a violence-free, safe, and secure home, they are warm, fed, clothed, and attending school if they are school age. These will also be factors in shared-care situations, as most family courts will prefer that both parents are involved. It can be more complicated for parents who aren’t legal guardians – you can get more info on this in the links below.
Without a doubt there are huge amounts of stigma and discrimination against marginalised people, but when it comes to caring for children it is in the interest of the state to leave them at home if it is safe to do so.
If the other parent may try to stop you spending time with your children, you can seek legal advice. Community Law have a fantastic guide to child custody, The Community Law Manual, and can offer you free advice.
Difficult decisions
If you’re experiencing unhealthy or abusive relationship dynamics, and your partner is not prepared to change or if you need to get out, some things you might want to think about include support systems, safety plans, and potentially legal protections.
It is always important to remember that we have choices in how we behave, and that we have a responsibility to recognise and change our own abusive behaviors. No matter what past experiences a person has been through, they can still choose to not abuse you, and you do not have to stay in a relationship which is not working for you.
My relationship is unhealthy but I want to stay with my partner
You may feel pressured by your partner, friends, family, or others to stay in the relationship and ‘get on with it’, or to ‘hurry up and leave already’. Ultimately the decision to stay or leave must be your own.
An unhealthy relationship can sometimes improve with time and effort from everyone. It is important to recognise that you can only change your own behavior, and only your partner can change theirs, so it is essential that you both recognise what is unhealthy in your relationship and make a commitment to changing your own behaviors.
Discussing the above relationship pointers, or some of our other relationship resources with your partner might be a good place to start.
Some people find that using active listening can help to clarify situations and facilitate understanding each other’s perspective.
You could also seek support from friends, family, and whānau, relationship counseling, or elsewhere. This can be especially difficult for those whose relationships are less conventional or more stigmatised (such as open relationships), as there are often no examples or blueprints on how to have healthy relationships or deal with unhealthy things which may be happening. There are resources linked below.
With time and work, many relationships can improve and become healthy and happy. Other times, people reach a point where they know that they are not happy in the relationship, or are happier when their partner isn’t around. If you decide to leave, there is advice below for safely leaving a scary or abusive situation.
My relationship is unhealthy and I’m over it: preparing to leave
If you are leaving a healthy relationship, it’s likely you can have a good conversation and talk about how you are feeling and why you want to end the relationship. Breakups are still hard, but people who are in a healthy relationship can usually also have a healthy mutual breakup.
However, if the relationship is unhealthy or abusive, it may be very difficult to end it amicably. Your partner may not accept that you want to end the relationship: they may try to make you feel guilty, afraid to leave, or worried that they will not cope. They may even threaten to hurt you, your loved ones, or themself. Even if they do not accept that the relationship is ending, you do not have to stay in the relationship.
It can help to keep the conversation direct, factual, non blaming, and future focused – telling them you are unhappy, you no longer want to be in this relationship, and that you are leaving. They may want to argue specific reasons or examples of them behaving badly, convince you that you were the one who behaved badly, or promise they will change. These are tactics to control you and stop you leaving. You do not need to be drawn into this. You can leave whenever you are ready.
There are many organisations that can help with sexual violence, leaving abusive situations, and staying safe. You can find some of these on the TOAH-NNEST national database, and there are others listed below.
If you are leaving a healthy relationship, it’s likely you can have a good conversation and talk about how you are feeling and why you want to end the relationship. Breakups are still hard, but people who are in a healthy relationship can usually also have a healthy mutual breakup.
However, if the relationship is unhealthy or abusive, it may be very difficult to end it amicably. Your partner may not accept that you want to end the relationship: they may try to make you feel guilty, afraid to leave, or worried that they will not cope. They may even threaten to hurt you, your loved ones, or themself. Even if they do not accept that the relationship is ending, you do not have to stay in the relationship.
It can help to keep the conversation direct, factual, non blaming, and future focused – telling them you are unhappy, you no longer want to be in this relationship, and that you are leaving. They may want to argue specific reasons or examples of them behaving badly, convince you that you were the one who behaved badly, or promise they will change. These are tactics to control you and stop you leaving. You do not need to be drawn into this. You can leave whenever you are ready.
PDF – read online or download
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Your partner may be a huge part of your life, and you may not have been able to see friends or family in a long time, or do activities by yourself. Having nights where you sleep alone, organising other support around children, talking to friends and family, and finding new activities or interests could help to make the transition easier.
Although it is common, it is not usually a good idea to find a new partner to assist you in leaving, as this can become messy and complicated – just what you don’t need right now.
Write down all the reasons why you want to leave the relationship, no matter how big or small. If your partner has access to your email account, try making a second email account which they don’t know about (on a private browser) and emailing this to yourself. When you miss them and feel sad, it will help to remind you why you left – even if you love them; the relationship was unhealthy, abusive, or not working.
Write down important numbers and keep a list in your wallet and one at a friends house, in case something happens to your phone and you need to call your support people. Set your social media accounts to ‘private’ and change your passwords. If you don’t already have one, open your own bank account. Remember to opt out of receiving statements. Put money away whenever you can so you have backup funds.Change the passwords on your bank accounts, email, all social media, everything. If your partner notices, just say you thought you got hacked so you changed them.
Talk with your support people and other trusted friends and whānau about your intentions beforehand so they can support you. If you work or study, you may want to talk with your employer or school guidance counselor about your plans to end the relationship. If you have children, and you’re concerned about their safety, make a plan for them – you may wish to meet with the school principal in advance and explain that you are leaving the relationship and that the school staff are not to give the children to anyone but you or your support people. You may wish to have this in writing.
If alcohol and other drug use has been part of your relationship, you may experience increased anxiety and distress as your habits around substance use change. Use you support system, and talk with mental health and addictions services, or a counselor, if you think these could help.
If you have not been allowed to make decisions for yourself, then even deciding small things can feel overwhelming and you may second guess yourself or feel unable to manage. Your support system will play an important role when you need support. If you are afraid of what your partner will do, if you feel unsafe or in danger, write down all the things you are afraid of and talk with a friend about what you can do to keep yourself safe.
If you think you will be in DANGER ending your relationship
Legal protection for yourself and your children
Many people do not want to involve the authorities, but sometimes legal protection may be appropriate – especially if there is a danger that your partner may take your children away or use violence against you or your children. Some of the following options may take significant time and effort, so having support people can be very important.
If your partner has shared custody and you are concerned your children will be taken overseas, one way to make this less likely is by getting passports for them and keeping these in a secure location.
If your children are citizens or permanent residents, you can apply for a court order to prevent your partner taking your children overseas.
If your immigration status may be challenged as part of leaving the relationship, seek support and find out your rights and any actions you need to take in advance to protect yourself and your children.
If your partner may try to have children removed from your care, find out your rights and any action you may need to take to protect yourself and your children in advance.
You may wish to or apply for a Trespass Order, which makes it illegal for your partner to come to the property where you live.
Tenancy Orders and Occupation Orders give you the legal right to stay in, or return to, a house which you rent or own, regardless of whether you are on the legal documents for rental or ownership. These may be an option, or you may be safer at an address your partner doesn’t know.
You may wish to apply for a Protection Order, which makes it illegal for your partner to physically, psychologically or sexually abuse or threaten you or your children, damage or threaten to damage your property, or encourage anyone else to physically, sexually or psychologically abuse or threaten you or your children. It also removes any legal right they may have had to possess firearms (guns).
In the case of physical abuse, photograph any injuries, and keep a record of threats and other abuse – write down important points and dates of any conversations, and save any messages, as these might be used as evidence if you need it in the future.
Move out when they are going to be away – even for half a day.
Make a plan with your support people so that at short notice you can pack the things you need to take and have someone ready to pick you up and a place to stay – ideally where your partner will not come looking for you.
If you live separately
Change the locks on your doors and secure all windrows. You may consider changing the entire door if you have glass doors or large windows which your partner could break and climb through easily. Consider having an alarm installed.
Talk with neighbors about letting you know or calling the police if they see your partner/anyone around your house.
If you think your ex may come to your house or the place you’re staying, widen your support group to include other friends or whānau you trust and ask them to stay over a night or two for a couple of weeks. You don’t need to tell them everything, but telling them you’re worried about your ex coming over is important so they can support you by not opening the door.
Keep your windows and doors locked at all times, and curtains closed at night. Leave a light or the TV on even when you’re not at home, so it’s harder for someone outside the house to tell if someone is around.
If your ex comes over, don’t answer the door. Talk with your support people and your children about this too.
Telling them you are ending the relationship
Don’t do it alone in person – do it in a public place or with support people. Another option is to break up over the phone or by letter or email – it might seem cold but it may be the safest way.
If your partner will not listen to your reasons for ending the relationship, accept that as a fact and don’t exhaust yourself trying to make them agree.
If you have worried about their mental health, it can help to put your mind at ease to make a list in advance of numbers they can call for support and leave this somewhere for them – like in their letterbox.
If they threaten suicide, let them know that they should seek support but that you are the one person they should not seek support from. Tell them you made them a list, it’s in their letterbox. Making these threats is abusive, their behavior is not your responsibility.
Many of these issues can be complicated by neurodiversity, by histories of trauma, by lack of mental health support, by not having resources to support yourself when you leave – such as employment, money, housing options, or a car, whānau or friends who you could go to, support organisations which will assist you. These issues can make leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship more difficult, whether you are the person struggling with these issues or whether you are concerned about the well being of your partner if you leave them. Work out what you need and find out what kinds of support you could get.
Making a Safety Plan
If leaving your relationship becomes dangerous, being mentally and emotionally prepared as much as possible and having a list of instructions you have made for yourself can help you to think clearly, take action quickly, and know what to do next. This is a list of questions you could think through and use to write your safety plan.
Privacy
Have you ever sent your partner private photos of yourself? This might include photos of you nude, photos of you and your partner being sexual, photos of you drinking or using drugs, or other photos that you consider private (it is illegal for your partner to use nude or sexual photos for any purpose other than the intended personal use). Does your partner threaten to reveal information about you in a hurtful or embarrassing way, or in a way which takes control of your private information out of your hands? For example, your gender identity, your birth name, your HIV status, an STI, a disability, or something you may be embarrassed or ashamed of having said or done? How could you respond to questions from others in a worst case scenario? Write it down or talk it through with a trusted friend.
Support system
Have you told someone in your family or any close friends about your relationship? Who is it safe for you to tell, so they can be there for you a short notice? What word or phrase can you use as a code in a phone call, text, or instant message to ask your family or friends to call for help without your partner knowing? For example, this could be offering to cook a specific food, or borrowing an item of clothing. As long as you have discussed it with them – “do you still want to borrow my blue jacket that you asked about? Remember that discussion we had about my jacket?”. Do you or one of your support people have access to a vehicle, so you can move yourself, children, and essential belongings at short notice? Who could you call or text to let them know where you are going if you are going somewhere with your partner? If you were stranded and needed a ride home, who can you call to pick you up or meet you?
Safety at home and out
If you need to avoid seeing your partner on your way to or from school or work, what route can you take to get there safely? Does your partner work or study at the same place? Have you told someone at work or school about your relationship? During times when you are home alone, who can stay with you if you don’t want to be alone? This could be different people at different times of the day or overnight. Do you have the number of a locksmith who could change the locks on your house at short notice and money put away to cover the cost? If you don’t feel safe at home, where else could you go to be safe? If you need to leave your home in an emergency, what is a safe public place where you could go? If you need to leave your house quickly, which items would you need to take with you?
Security
Do you have or could you get a secret spare cell phone or sim card and copy all your contacts onto it? Has your partner ever checked your outgoing calls, text messages, or browsing history on your cell phone or computer? Do you know how to use the internet secretly or clear your browsing history? Do you use social networking sites? Has your partner ever pretended to be you online? If your partner were to report your social media accounts as fake, would your identification match the name on your accounts? Do you have alternative ways to contact people, such as email? Have you shared passwords to your online accounts with your partner? Be sure to think about all your online accounts, such as social media, email, blog, instant messaging, courier and post services, online stores, and online banking. Do you know how to get a trespass notice or protection order against your partner?
If you have children
Is your partner their legal guardian? Who could watch your children in an emergency? Do your children know how to call 111? What word or phrase can you use as a code between you and your children to let them know that they need to call for help? Where is a safe place that your children could go if in danger? This can be a room in your home, a neighbor’s or friend’s place, or even the workplace of a friend. It should be somewhere nearby that your children can safely go by themselves. Are your children able to catch a bus or taxi on their own? Do they know how to take the right bus to a safe place? Do they have access to a bus card, money, etc? Has your partner ever threatened to take away your children if you end the relationship?
Safety plan template
Write down the following emergency information on a piece of paper or in an email to yourself (if your partner doesn’t have access to your email). Include the numbers of your support people, so you can reach them even if your partner has taken or broken your cell phone.
The relationship is over, but my ex is still hurting me
If your ex is stalking you, harassing you, coming over and threatening you, or doing things which make you fear or your safety or the safety of your children, please see the above section about safety and legal protections.
One very common scenario is for your ex to try to discredit you in any way possible by spreading rumors, saying you cheated, claiming you abused them or you’re stalking them, etc.
Tips for managing ongoing abuse
If you study or work together, ask your school, employer, or other group for a formal process to address their ongoing abuse.
Only communicate with them if it is essential, and communicate in writing only or have support people with you for conversations.
After every conversation, make notes of anything important and any put downs or threats or other abuse, and talk about it with people you trust.
Keep screenshots (photographs) of online or smartphone based conversations.
Keep a timeline of events – one way is to send yourself an email with the above notes and evidence. You can then reply to that message whenever you remember something or when something happens, so you have have a timeline of events and all your evidence in one place. You can also use this to write your feelings and thoughts when you’re feeling really upset, which can help you think things through clearly later. This can be a good alternative to posting on social media, and is useful in a legal process if you go through one in the future.
Moving On
Remember what made you happy before the relationship? Were there things that you loved to do, but stopped because of your partner? Were there projects you didn’t have time for? Friends you couldn’t see anymore? Places you liked to go? Things you liked to wear?
Replace the habits you had in the relationship with new habits – take a stencil art class, reconnect with people you care about, go to the beach or meet up at the park, take up writing, gardening, camping, going for walks and exploring your area, join a group or club and meet other people who share your interests.
Whenever you feel sad about ending the relationship, you can look at your list of reasons why you left, and remember how good it feels to be in control of your own life. No one undermining your every decision! Freedom to choose! Nice work.
In Aotearoa, there are very strong social norms about keeping relationships private and not arguing in front of others. It can be rare to see examples of healthy arguments; arguments where partners can express frustrations or anger or sadness, but everyone’s emotional well being is taken care of, and the argument ends in a way that everyone feels good about.
Planning to argue
One aspect of having healthier, safer, and more productive arguments is planning how to argue. Partners can choose a time when there is no stress and argument to be had, and sit down together to talk about how they can have better arguments. It can help to write things down, draw some pictures together, or even write up an “argument contract” – it’s ok to be creative and do whatever works for you. It’s not about winning or tricking the other person into something, it’s about finding ways to argue without causing harm to each other.
Planning communication in a semi-structured way can feel a bit strange at first, but when arguments have guidelines which partners have agreed on, they tend to work better for everyone.
What’s the point?
What is the point of arguing? Agree on what you ultimately want to get out of arguing. Try to agree on a simple positive shared goal such as ‘to understand each other better’ rather than ‘you stop doing X behavior’. If your partner understands you better, they will probably see why you want them to stop doing X.
What are your bottom lines for safety? This might be physical, it might be about volume of voice, name calling, comparing, swearing, put downs, or anything else that makes you really upset, hurts you, isn’t acceptable to you. Every person will have different limits, so discuss and work out what your minimum requirements are for feeling safe and OK to continue. It’s always OK to stop before you reach your limits, but it’s good to know each other’s bottom lines in advance so you can stay well away.
Triggers
What behaviors trigger you (bring up past trauma); what things should your partner avoid saying? For some people this might be a certain type of accusation, threatening to leave, or particular words. As an argument escalates, you can try to remember your goal and avoid triggering each other, so you have more opportunity to reach your goal before the argument has to stop.
When you feel triggered or you’re very upset, how can you stop the conversation, and what will happen next? This may be saying “let’s stop, I need a break” or “time out, this is too much.” The agreed action might be 5 or 10 minutes alone for a cup of tea. Plan the details so it can run smoothly.
Reconnecting after a being very upset – what will help you refocus on your argument goal? Some people find that reminding each other about their argument goal helps them both re-focus on it. For some people, taking turns to explain why they felt overwhelmed or needed to take a break can help. Listening for emotions can help people reconnect.
Finishing an argument
Stopping and rescheduling; what will you do if the argument seems to be going nowhere? There is no shame in deciding to stop an argument. Some people ask their partner for specific reassurance when finishing an argument. For example one person asks their partner “After we argue, I want to know that you still care about me, and you want us to talk about the issue again in the next few days, and find a solution”.
The resource explains what trauma triggers are, how someone might be affected by one, and how you can explore discussing this with partners. It is designed for transgender adults, and may not be suitable for younger viewers
You can scroll down to read the first edition (2021), or download the second edition PDF (2022), which was developed for our online course The transgender guide to sex and relationships.
Triggers: Past Trauma Memories and How to Discuss Them (first edition, 2021)
What is a trigger?
If a person has experienced trauma in the past, such as being the victim/survivor of sexual violence, they may have very strong emotions such as anger or fear which are associated with an element present when the initial trauma happened. This element – or trigger – can be anything from a smell to a certain word or phrase, it could be a particular sexual activity or position, or any number of other elements. After the initial trauma – it could be days, weeks, or years later – when the person experiences the trigger, they may emotionally or psychologically re-live the trauma of the initial incident. We call this ‘being triggered’.
It is not always possible to avoid being triggered, for example if the smell of beer was present when the initial traumatic incident occurred, then in the future the smell of beer might make the person have a ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response. Whether the current situation is safe or not, the person who has been ‘triggered’ might experience an elevated heart rate and physical symptoms of fear, anger, humiliation, sadness, or a number of other things. This may also mean that their reaction to another person drinking a beer is to feel distrustful, or angry, and they may not know why.
Discussing Triggers
Some people find it very helpful to work out, over time, the things that trigger past trauma for them. It can be a long process of recognising when they feel disproportionately upset, and working out why that might be. Not everything that upsets someone is a trigger – we can be upset for many reasons, including being upset because the thing which is happening right now is harming us. Or because we just don’t like something. It can be helpful to separate things out and reflect on what feelings we were having when we were upset, and whether there is a current problem happening and we are being harmed, or if we were triggered.
Although the trauma we have experienced might not be our fault (and in the case of sexual violence is never the victim’s fault), it is still our responsibility to manage our triggers and behaviours. Some people find it useful to discuss triggers with partners or potential partners. It can also be useful to talk about how a person might guess that you are being triggered when it happens, what they might say to you in that situation, or how you might communicate with them.
Example
Sarah has trauma that involves sexual violence. She doesn’t like to have sex in certain positions, or when she’s very tired, or after an argument.
Sometimes she doesn’t realise how tired she is, or something else can trigger her. When she’s triggered, she feels humiliated and worthless, and her response is to ‘freeze’, which for her means she thinks about other things, and tries to ‘just get through’ the sex that is happening right now. She struggles to let partners know she wants to stop having sex. Usually during sex she makes a lot of eye contact and talks or makes sounds. When she is triggered, she avoids eye contact and usually goes quiet and sometimes cries.
She tells this to her partners, so that if she behaves in those ways, they know to stop and check in. She tells them that when they think she’s triggered, she doesn’t want to be asked ‘are you ok?’ because it’s hard to say ‘no’ when she feels like that. She wants her partners to ask ‘do you want to stop?’, because saying yes is easier. If she does want to stop, a good next question is ‘shall I make you some tea?’, because it gives her the chance to have space alone for a few minutes. After that, she sometimes feels fine. Other times, she wants to do something that isn’t sexual, like watch a film and cuddle.
She also lets them know that her being triggered doesn’t mean they are doing something wrong.
Learn more about healthy relationships and safer sex for trans people
One of the most important things in a relationship is having your own autonomy – or getting to make decisions for yourself. If both or all partners get to be in charge of their own lives, then you have a great foundation for making room for each other and growing together. When one person controls another person, it’s easy for the relationship to become abusive. In a healthy relationship each partner should have control over themself.
Some of the decisions you should be free to make include decisions about
Sleeping and eating – what, where, when, and how much.
Medications, hormones, surgical decisions, self care, and time alone.
Declining to be a partner’s sole source of support, or having boundaries to the support you can personally provide.
Where to go and who to spend time with.
Social reputation, which information is shared with whom.
Ability to say no: to sexual activities and physical intimacy, alcohol and other drug use, unsafe situations like drinking and driving or transphobic social situations.
Diary, journal, passwords.
Important documents eg. tenancy, immigration, work, school, WINZ, identification, passport.
Private communication and support networks, such as social media, email, phone, personal messages.
Personal expression: clothing, hairstyle, language and mannerisms.
Income: how it’s made, how it’s used, and who can access it.
Culture, cultural knowledge, values, language, history, beliefs, spiritual or religious practice.
If you are controlling your partner
If you are controlling your partners decisions, there are steps you can take to relinquish control over them and let them make their own decisions. The same is true for anyone who is controlling your decisions.
For the person in control, the first steps are often the hardest: recognising that controlling a partner is a problem, accepting that they have been participating in an unhealthy dynamic, and taking personal responsibility for making changes.
Anxieties, fears, insecurities, and beliefs or values can all play roles in how comfortable we are accepting that others can change, and allowing them the freedom to do so. Some people find it helpful to talk with a counselor or another adult they trust, or look for resources about healthy relationships.
